Choices

My friend Mel Ruskin commented to me recently that I am becoming something of a philosopher as I have gotten older, particularly about the decisions we make in our later years. My 86th birthday is later this month. Perhaps I am simply more willing to be open about my feelings. Yes, we all make choices every day that impact our lives and those whom we love. At my age, the calendar pages move more swiftly, and the choices I make seem more meaningful. When it comes to risk-taking ventures, one doesn’t have all those years to recover if the deal goes upside down. Relationships are a bit trickier. Especially when you factor in the emotions. Not only words but a look or an expression can reverse the intentions.

Fortunately, I am not burdened by a lot of such drama-filled choices these days. My life at this stage is calm, stable, and purposeful. Perhaps being free from such burdens makes me a bit more casual in my thinking. Yet past choices still trouble me daily, particularly those relationships that have gone sour. Words said in anger. Sentiments expressed that I should have kept to myself. All are choices that I cannot reverse. And then there are the false hopes that something will occur when a reasonable person knows it should or will never happen. Decisions made on false hopes lead to bad results. As I age, I better understand false expectations. For instance, I don’t expect I will ever see my writing in the New Yorker magazine. But rather than let that inhibit me, I choose to see the fantasy as a source of inspiration and motivation to always improve.