Pretend It’s a Forest

It’s been a while since I wrote my last column. Unfortunately, I’ve been busy—fortunately, it’s been the good kind of busy. With summer in full bloom, outdoor time is essential. And it turns out I’m not the only one who thinks so.

This collective urge to be outside seems to be shared by what already feels like thousands of visitors we’ve welcomed to the Sierras this summer. (That number may or may not be exaggerated, but I stand by it.)

What’s not an exaggeration is what all this foot traffic means for the mountains; and for those of us who live here. Sure, we appreciate the money flowing in and the promise of a strong 2025 local economy. But with the good comes the bad: questionable habits, general cluelessness, and yes, the occasional idiot.

To help us survive what feels like several more months of summer, I’ve drafted a few lines meant for public signage—suggestions that could live alongside the classics like “No fishing from bridge” and “No parking.” More than just informative, these are part a public service announcement, part well-deserved shade. With any luck, the county will allocate a little funding to my noble cause. But until that happens, here are my ideas:

“No poop allowed. This includes you.”

Leave No Trace includes your best friend’s poop. If that’s something you’re in the habit of leaving behind, I regret to inform you: you are the poop, and you’re no longer allowed in nature either.

“Don’t be stupid.”

This applies broadly—from the point above, to thinking it’s fine to light a fire, to leaving snacks in your car like an open invitation for bears, to getting publicly intoxicated and terrifying both locals and tourists. When in doubt, think twice—and just don’t be stupid.

“Smile. Your entitlement is on camera.”

Local businesses need your support, not your entitlement. Unless you’re willing to jump in and help, keep your “how-to-run-a-business” comments to yourself. Be patient, be cordial, and don’t ask anyone to smile—this isn’t Disneyland. People aren’t here to amuse you.

“No tourist access.”

This one’s (mostly) a joke. But let’s just say, when locals’ favorite spot gets busy, maybe it’s time to put that sign up.

While there’s some truth to these lines—and yes, I’d love to see them in the wild; tolerance might be the only thing getting us through the rest of the season. So for now—locals, old-timers, newcomers, tourists, and visitors from other galaxies—let’s pretend that even if my signage dreams don’t get funded, the message still finds its way to the right people.